It wasn’t so long ago when you used to earn monthly six figures and money was not an issue. You are able to buy anything you want. You are able to give your mom anything she asked. Or wanted.
It wasn’t so long ago.
Until you decided to give it all up for an advocacy that you thought needed you. An advocacy that can never give you the life you got accustomed to. Since then, your partner had been shouldering more than half of all the expenses — house rental, groceries, incidentals, car mortgage — and you would only pay for the utilities at home.
It wasn’t long ago when you would easily give your mom any financial needs she had, especially if she had medical issues. Laboratories. Medicine.
Today is her birthday. And unlike the not so long ago birthdays, she hasn’t been feeling well for days now. She needed meds and you had nothing to spare. Good thing your brother from New York sent in some money today for her birthday.
And you feel bad. And your mom feels bad. Your mom sent you a message yesterday saying you didn’t care about her.
Are you a bad son? You put strangers ahead of your own mom’s needs.
When a stranger needs laboratories and medicines, you would scramble to find means to help them. When your mom needs something, you would stand in some corner in utter silence unable to do anything.
Are you a bad person?
Who would dare judge you? Knowing you have given so much for an advocacy without anything in return… and here you are, unable to comfort your own mother.
Are you a bad child?
You grew up in a household where you are able to eat and buy anything you wanted. You knew about your parents’ financial struggles when you were in high school and in your pre-med– that is why you opted to tell them that you won’t go into internship anymore and that you will just go to work in some paging company. But they didn’t know you in fact finished you pre-med. And they didn’t know you went through business school. They didn’t know you finished your masters. The didn’t know much about you.
And just like before, you mom doesn’t know anything about you now.
Are you a criminal? In the process of wanting to help strangers in a highly stigmatized and marginalized community, have you actually sentenced your mom to death?
I don’t quite know how to end this blog.
I really don’t.