You were diagnosed. Your world came crumbling down. You’re at a lost. You don’t know where to go and what to do. You tell yourself you’re dying.
You went online. You read about the plight of the discriminated. You saw the adverse reactions of Anti-Retro Viral Drugs. You tell yourself you’re dying.
You read some more. You saw the ignorants’ comments on how people living with HIV should be imprisoned, segregated and put to death. You learn about some other countries’ laws on criminalizing HIV. You’re convinced. You tell yourself you’re dying.
People will tell you to move on. Your counselor may tell you it’s okay. You were told about the access to free drugs, consultations and lab works. And yet, you tell yourself you’re dying.
Every Juan. Every Pedro.
You are not them. We are not there. Your will to live is not theirs to dictate. Your fight is not the internet’s to decide. What Juan had in his lifetime, Pedro won’t necessarily have. What Pedro feels, Juan won’t feel.
It’s not easy, don’t rush it. No one can tell you when to move on and accept your “gift”. Even you can’t tell yourself to move on if you have unresolved issues at the back of your mind. If you rush and convince yourself you’re fine, you will zone in and out of reality & go into depression from time to time.
Take your time. The sooner, the better – yes. But the better your quality of acceptance is, the better your quality of moving on will be.
It’s not a one-stop shop. There’s no one-fits-all solution. Your one issue may branch to ten different issues, as it may only branch to two others for the other guy diagnosed one hour earlier than you.
What your doctor tells you is what’s best for you. Rationalizing and going to the internet won’t help if you’re going against your doctor’s advice. If your doctor tells you to take Option A, ask and understand instead of swallowing the unexplained. If the doctor gives you Option B, understand instead of rationalizing on your own.
Talk to the RIGHT people
Positivity comes from every person that comes around. The song “Favorite Things” may be a cliché, but it works wonders knowing that you feel good somehow. Talking to another newly diagnosed may not be the best option if both of you will share your desperations and frustrations.
One Fact Remains
HIV is not a death sentence. You are not dying unless you give into death itself. You are not dying unless you refuse to seek treatment. You are not dying unless…. Wait, who’s not bound to die anyways? It’s a question of who goes first.
So you’re not dying unless you choose to go first.