Your Mommy

12.25.2014

At the Emergency Room

I was with @greyhumin and Mommy Elena Felix when we found you and your mom seated at the emergency room waiting area. I escorted you to the E.R. as your mom was left behind at the waiting area with my friends.  Her smile was coupled with eyes that showed concern for her son. For you.

You were in bed at the E.R. and  oxygen had to go through  some tube to support your breathing. Your mom was talking (to us, to you) about how you should have told them about your condition sooner, I bit my tongue because you kept your silence.  You had your reasons for keeping HIV a secret for two years and you are where you are because of this, and there wasn’t any point in crying over a glass of spilled milk.

You were transferred to a private room and we left.

Five to six days later, you were texting me that you had to transfer to the public treatment hub since the bill was going way out of hand. And you did.

At the Ward

I found you at the ward with three other patients. First thought that I had was what were the cases of the three other patients. If you had pneumonia, would it be bad for your wardmates, or if one of them had Tuberculosis… I kept my silence as your mom fondly told me that you were somehow getting stronger. She was optimistic.

Yet again, she was telling you that you should have told them earlier. You, just like before, kept your silence.

At the Private Room

I came back one Sunday and panicked to see your bed occupied by another patient, I ran to the Nurse’s station and asked where you were and I was escorted to your private room. A machine was monitoring you, well your breathing. Your mom told me that you had difficulty breathing and you had to be moved to a private room.  Still she was saying that your breathing was improving and a “tube” didn’t have to be inserted to help you breathe.

She was saying that you kept uttering you were tired, but she also told me that you will keep fighting since she only had two kids and she expected you to be with her as she grew older.   She also said that your birthday will be in a week’s time. She was still otptimistic, and hopeful that just like the others she met, you will also gain back your strength and be healthy.

Once again, she  said you should have told them earlier. You, just like before, kept your silence.

I went to the other private room to visit another friend, and when I came back, a “No Visitors Allowed” was ordered.

The next few days were silent, your mom hardly, if at all would reply to my SMS messages.

At Home

Your mom came up to me as I approached the door, we hugged and she was forcing herself to smile, She said you looked cute and goodlooking.  I can clearly see her tired and weary eyes as she offered coffee. With a deep sigh, I gathered enough strength and went into the room,  I looked over your lifeless body and yeah, your mom was right. You looked good.

The funeral home was eerie as always, I thought it was odd that people were forcing themselves to laugh and pretend that they’re okay, when they’re in pain really.  But then again, I can only assume how they really feel.

Your best friend arrived and from afar, she was already crying. I know her from your stories but we never really met.

The next day was your birthday, and 30 roses were prepped to celebrate your life, your memories. I got there with @edbusim and after the first rose, I got drowned in silence and I can’t seem to hear anything.  By the 3rd rose, I had to leave.

The third day was your last day and I wasn’t sure I would like to see you burn, well, cremated.  But I decided to go anyways to see you for the last time. There wasn’t much people as the night before, but your mom sat down with me and told me that you won’t be with her for Christmas.  I told her this may be the best Christmas for you, in peace, in silence.

She said you would have prepared Christmas dinner as you always did, but this time, there’s no you. Silence.

Again, your mom said you should have told them earlier. Silence.

At Peace

I didn’t get to see you for the last time, some guys suddenly came up and carried you to a private room downstairs for cremation. I never went into the waiting area, I waited outside for a few minutes and decided to go.

It’s Christmastime. I bet your mom was crying on Christmas eve, and will be crying New Year’s Eve, and probably every holiday henceforth. But you’re at peace now, and she too, will find her own peace knowing you’re happier where you are. We all are.

Who am I kidding? I know a part of me will always break down every time something reminds me of you.

You’re at peace, I just have to suck up to it and move on, right? Me, well and your mom, and the rest of the world.

Happy Christmas.  I know you are. You had your mom by your side and now you are up there with your Creator, looking over us. We’ll miss you. Your mom will miss you.

And Bye for now.

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About +daddy+drEw+

HIV awareness and treatment Advocate & Activist. Living with HIV since 2007. A friend. A partner. A dad to the HIV Community.
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