I met J some time 2011-12. I would then see him from time to time in blue bars but we remained in contact on Facebook. A few weeks back, he disclosed his status and said he’s been positive since 2013. He said he was undetectable as of 2017 when he stopped ARV.
Reason: Hub was too far from his place in Cainta.
Reason2: He maintained a healthy lifestyle.
J has always been physically fit. Toned. Abs and all. There was a point that he had to go into sex work to put food on the table. He had a partner who’s HIV+ around the time that we met but back then, he was still negative.
2-3 weeks ago, he messaged me saying he had difficulty breathing and he easily gets tired. I was concerned he had pneumonia and we talked about him getting back to treatment. Options were given to him, nearer hubs, private hubs. and of course, his old hub. He decided to go back to his old hub.
The Monday after we talked, he went to his hub and was confined. He never came out since then. He would message me from time to time, asking about indigency certificate, and ARV. He would tell me about the condition of the ward he was in.
October 29th, J messaged me to find someone who can accompany him inside the ward. His family never came back for him after his sibling brought him there Day 1. I was able to reach out to JF who was there on the 30th, @iamae1995 (from Twitter) also helped out. Bren was there also. It was Bren who informed me that tubes will have to be inserted since he was critical. Bren also guaranteed that J’s social classification inside the hospital maintained an NBS (No Bill Status)
Saturday, J messaged me asking whether or not he would let the docs do the tube insertion. I was glad he messaged me since I was thinking he wanted to survive the fight hence, he was asking around. He asked if the tubes were going to be permanent and I said it’ll only be until such time that he gets better.
Saturday afternoon, we got word from the doc that J signed a DNR and he removed his tubes. @pozmatt2011 was the last one scheduled to go to the hospital to assist, he got there past 7 in the evening.
J died a few minutes before Matt got there.
I saw it coming. This is why I detached myself and never went to the hospital. And now I wallow for not seeing you. For not being there for you. I thought it was gonna hurt less. I thought I was not gonna shed a single tear.
I was wrong.
I’m sorry. I should have been there for you. Physically. Your death caused more pain knowing that your family was not there for you, even in your death. Your friends have been raising money for your cremation and they’re half way there.
Your pain must be over now. Mine will pass– soon.
Life was not easy on you. For you.
You’re gone now.
And in your departure, you finally beat life’s pain.
Your death shall not be in vain as we continue to help others, your passing refueled my passion to help others.
I am mad at your family, I may not know the dynamics that led to them not showing up at all, but still, I’m angry. I know you wouldn’t want me to be, but I still am. Sorry.
You go and rest now.
I will see you soon.